My favorite management techniques
Jon Titus, Editorial Director -- Test & Measurement World, 4/1/2001
Working on budgets and annual performance reviews reminds me of some of my favorite management techniques:
Pick-up-sticks. Using this technique, managers slowly pull resources out of a business. First the marketing budgets go, then sales support, next administrative people get laid off, and so on. Then one final "stick" gets pulled out and the pile comes crashing down. Managers who use this technique know how to extend the life of an enterprise just long enough so they can get out before the crash. It's up to the few survivors to figure out how to rebuild the pile.
Flock like seagulls. Anyone who lives near water knows seagulls travel in flocks. They land wherever they want, scold anyone nearby, and defecate on everything. Managers do that, too. They blow in for a quick trip, stir up trouble, squawk at everyone, foul the office, and-finally-fly out of town. At least with this technique they're gone most of the time and employees can get some work done. But when the "seagulls" arrive, productivity and morale go down the drain. This technique demands a lot of cleaning up.
Grow mushrooms. Mushrooms grow well in the dark and when fed detritus. Some managers think that's the way to treat employees. Well, at least it's warm in the mushroom caves.Throw me a curve. Carl Friedrich Gauss knew a lot about math, but nothing about management. Why else would he have let loose his now-famous curve? Lots of managers figure employees should fit Gauss' distribution. If Gauss thought managers would use his curve, he would have made it peak at about 80%, drop slowly to 20% on one side, and drop to 95% on the other. Good companies have good people that they don't force on a bell curve. Managers love quantitative rankings, so next year they'll fit you to a Lorentzian curve.
The trouble with management is that it's management, not leadership. If you're interested in how leaders approach problems, buy a copy of Shackleton's Way (Penguin Group, 2001). This interesting new book describes how Sir Ernest Shackleton led an expedition to Antarctica in 1914, got stuck in the ice, survived on the ice, and finally led all his 28 men back to safety after 19 months! Shackleton's story has a lot to teach, unless you enjoy seeing mushrooms getting pecked to pieces by seagulls. T&MW
