Mission: Improbable

Good morning, Mr. Phelps. The displayed image shows a Haplygonics model J2000 RF sweep generator that has a defective impulse-modulator transformer, T301, manufactured by OneGoodTurn Transformers and marked 'TF-XZ5.' Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to locate service information and a replacement for T301. This iPlod will self-destruct in five seconds... four...."

So where do you start? Chances are, you'll fire up your favorite Internet search engine and enter "TF-XZ5," only to view pages of listings sponsored by surplus-component dealers, some of whom apparently used character-permutation programs to create part numbers for every conceivable component since the invention of the wheel. If you're fortunate, one of the dealers will actually stock the component. If not, you're headed for....

Level 2: Your search engine reveals that OneGoodTurn Transformers is still in business. Its Web page lists an e-mail address and telephone number. You dash off a message requesting specifications, pricing, and availability for the TF-XZ5. If you're lucky, someone at OGTT promptly replies with all of the information you requested. If you receive an uninformative reply, you're on your way to Level 3. If you receive no reply whatsoever, you skip Level 3 and go to Level 4.

Level 3: The answer to your e-mail or phone call includes phrases such as "That's a proprietary component," or "That's an obsolete component," or "We no longer manufacture that component," or "That's not one of our part numbers." You repeat Levels 1 through 3, but this time you insert "Haplygonics model J2000" in the search window. No dice.

Upon reaching Level 4, you remove your shoe phone, dial your contact at the Office of the Secretary of TheFence and speak the code words: "I think we'll pass on this one."

Mission improbable? No. Far-fetched? Not at all. Inane satire? Possibly. Lost customer good will? Definitely.

To find out for yourself, pretend that you're a previous—or potential—customer of your company who is looking for replacement parts and service information for an older product. If you encounter the runaround, a stonewall, or the blank-stare treatment, I hope that you, the reader, are in a position to fix the problem.